when a door closes....

I have been waiting for a window to open for me for nearly 365 days now.

We are coming up to the anniversary of the day I stopped going to work. The day I was hospitalized. The day of my suicide attempt that shook my family and friends to the core. The day I started treatment. And all this nostalgia has made me question "why am I doing this and what have I gained (other than weight)?"

Firstly, I have gained incredible supports. A group of people who have changed my life for the better and remind me each time I hear their voices on the phone, get their texts, or (if I'm lucky) see their beautiful faces, that the struggle is easier to do together.

Secondly, I have gained control. My temper no longer flares like it used to. My food no longer "disappears" in the morning. My meal plan is balanced and my exercise looks balanced too!

As you all know, treatment has been a series of challenges for me right from the get-go and I sit here typing away faced with yet another challenge. The only thing keeping me from going backwards is the realization that I have the power to actually move forward.

I've started reading a fantastic book called "The Happiness Project"  http://www.happiness-project.com/ and it has made me begin to realize now more than ever, my happiness is entirely dependent on me. When faced with challenges, it is entirely up to me how I react and how I cope.

In the past I have read many self-help books. (Often when I feel lost I look to the blogs and the books for guidance where I feel my friends may either have limited information, or more information than I am prepared to deal with.) But this book wasn't preachy like the rest, and so I was able to take it all in for what it was - a guideline on how to be happier every single day.

For those of you who have visited my humble abode, you would know that for many months I had loving mantras hand written on my windows so that when a thought pops into my head, I can fight it with love. During my first months in treatment, those mantras often kept my head above the water and I am thankful that I could look through my home and see love.

This book has inspired me (as it has thousands of others) to start my own happiness project. Ironically, I have been on that journey for almost a year now. But it is today that I am looking at my life and really deciding to "Be Jana" (the author lives by "be Gretchen"). In the next few days I too will post my 12 commandments and my own secrets of adulthood as well as my own resolutions (complete with a resolutions chart) to be the best, happiest Jana I can be.

Depression plays a HUGE role in my life and for once, I would rather see the glass half full on a day when my mind tells me that "half empty feels like empty entirely". If this statement is true, then doesn't it make true that "half full should feel entirely full"?

Many of you have been there for me as I took my first steps into living healthy and now I ask that you please stay tuned as I start my journey into happiness.

xo A Surviving Survivor