What New Years means to me...

Never have I been a big fan of New Years Eve. Spending too much money to ring in the new year with the same people you see every month just never made sense to me. (Plus, New Years comes a-little-too-close-for-comfort to my birthday which, in Janaland is the holiday to end all holidays and usually minimizes at a seven day celebration)

But this year there was a small part of me that didn't think celebrating the clock turning from one minute to the next was something entirely absurd and pointless. This year I had it in the back of my head that no matter the way I have felt about NYE in the past, this year was going to be different. No, not because I was going to start being one of those people who obsessed about 11:59:50 on December 31st. It was going to be different because this year I am actually going to be able to keep the new years resolution that I have been trying to keep since I was 13 - This year, I am going to stay healthy.

For many years (as I explained to an old friend the other day) I chose my eating disorder over many things. If there was a party happening that involved food that would interrupt a three day hunger, I was out. If there were people going to a party that I thought might be judging me, I would spend the week prior combining every symptom there was in the hopes that however they judged me, they could not call me fat. I felt that people could call me crazy or bitchy or slutty or rude, but I knew they could never call me fat. Basically for the past 11 years, I chose my eating disorder over life.

I never knew why it was important. I never understood why a scale could control if I would or wouldn't bail on some of my best friends for a simple dinner and a movie.

It wasn't until recently that I started to realize that it wasn't the scale - it was me. I was scared and offended every time I was judged (even with my well known tough exterior of "fuck anyone who doesn't think I'm awesome"). Every time someone had an opinion of me that wasn't exactly what I wanted it to be, I would mentally shut down. Even if one of my friends started to act sketchy, the first place I would go in my mind is "they think I am annoying" or "they think I am totally insane, why would they want to be my friend?".

Mind reading, they say in my treatment program, is one of the biggest symptoms people with eating disorders engage in. We take a normal situation and assume that people are not only entirely selfish (which most are), but they also spend copious amounts of time considering and judging other people - specifically me. We tend to forget that what people say and do 99.9999% of the time is really not about us, its about them.

In order to really understand what I mean by this, I encourage you to read the book "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. He has as number of other really great books that you can read too, but this one is the one that really speaks to me.

check out the summary at: http://www.miguelruiz.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=6:the-four-agreements&catid=13:books&Itemid=7

Basically the book preaches the following four rules to living a happy life:
1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
2. Don't Take Anything Personally
3. Don't Make Assumptions
4. Always Do Your Best

If you find yourself feeling judged or if you catch yourself mind reading those around you, I believe that this book will change your life. I know it has changed mine.

So this year, instead of letting a number on a scale or my obsessive thoughts control my life and instead of looking at December 31st 2009 at 11:59:59pm as an innate moment in time; I am going to live by the four agreements and live my life every day and tell myself that January 1st 2010 at 12:00:00am is the moment that I got to start fresh. A new year, a new decade, a new Jana. I am going to enjoy the company of good friends and family. I am going to chase my dreams with all the energy I've got and then some. Mostly, I am going to stick to my recovery like a stage 5 clinger. I am going to eat my meals and live by those four rules. And if life doesn't take a turn for the better, then I promise faithful readers, you will be hearing about it!

Remind yourselves "Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die" and make 2010 be the year that you too keep the new years resolution you've been breaking for 10+ years too!